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A Cape Town Dads hilarious Justin Bieber review has gone viral worldwide

Justin Bieber

Cape Town Dad Ron Irwin posted a lengthy review about the Cape Town leg of the Justin Bieber Purpose Tour, it’s pretty brilliant and has gone viral!

 

Ron Irwin decided to treat his daughters for all their hard work at school by taking them to the Justin Bieber concert at the Stadium in Green Point, Cape Town. This is his full dad review!

“I cop to this. I did it because I wanted my daughters to have a treat for working so hard in school and also there are only so many more years when I will be welcome to come along to rock concerts with them. I’m actually not welcome now but they are too young to protest and they can’t drive yet so I get a pass.”

“Here is why I feel I was ripped off, although my daughter and many of my students feel they have seen the second coming of the Messiah.”

“It’s NOT just the music, which sounds like something no self respecting elevator would play to its passengers in a typical IRS building in Indiana.”

That’s not the point.

The lights go up in this stadium for the opening act to be played in front of Table Mountain in front of 80,000 adoring fans who have waited all day to be there, some of whom have literally driven in from godforsaken dorps to see The Biebs.

The opening act was called something like Oiko Oiko or Oingo Boingo. No, sorry, Sketchy Bongo. I think.

Typical concert scene. People walking around, full seats, lights go down, screens go on with logos for various products you can buy, then some desultory cool stuff flashes on the screen, smoke is puffed through the smoke puffer and…the opening act TAKES THE STAGE WITH A FURY, YO!

Yeah.

It’s some dude sitting at a desk with a ski mask on.

I am not kidding. AT.A.DESK.

“In front of a computer or something. The dude is literally pressing button and moving levers. Playing recorded music and manipulating the sound because he’s a DJ. Every so often he holds an iPad in the air and twists a knob and people faint at the kiffness.”

He probably checked his Facebook page a few times while he was up there.

“I thought this was some error. Like, the band was still coming and the sound mixer man was accidentally hoisted on stage by the drunk roadies.”

“BUT NO. This is the FIRST ACT.”

“FOR AN HOUR we watch this masked idiot twiddle buttons and play dance music. Every so often six people come out on stage and sort of dance, as if they had been randomly selected from the audience for Ye Olde Green Pointe Stadium Dance Off in some shitty karaoke bar down near the whorehouses in Sea Point. Maybe the best dancer was promised a case of cider and a free massage. But surely not selected out of HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DANCERS to open for the PRETTY MUCH BIGGEST LIVE ACT IN THE WORLD???”

THAT”S THE OPENING AT THIS MASSIVE WORLD TOUR WE HAVE BEEN WAITING TO SEE FOR MONTHS??????

Just give me my Mac and a balaclava and a boom box and I can do this. I, Dr. Ronald Henwood Irwin, can open for Bieber.

But, OK, people put up with it. They get into it. They scream and dance as if they are watching, ya know, REAL MUSICIANS PLAYING LIVE MUSIC.

“The music stops and this pathetic debacle sort of straggles off stage as if it was last call in some dive bar, not the wrap up of a live act in front of tens of thousands of people who have paid the equivalent of a down payment on a small home to be there.”

We wait 30 minutes for Bieber to appear. After the first ten minutes somebody switches on the house lights so some of us can go to the bar and check our email.

“Lights down Screens up. Smoke. Fireworks, and then…OMG there he is.”

“A little figure in the middle of the stage in a white t-shirt and basketball shorts, knee socks and sneakers. There is Bieber in all his wholesomeness, looking like a choir boy who discovered the joys of sleeve tattoos on his way to basketball practice.”

Like he’s still playing middle school basketball at 24.

And… the weirdness. The crowd erupted in screams of adulation and joy, as expected. My daughter and her friend were in raptures. Standard issue teen idol stuff.

“But Bieber just sort of lurches forward and… well… Bieber moans.”

“He moans into the microphone and points at the crowd, like the Junior Varsity Basketball Player of Christmas Past coming to collect souls. He just… moans… or groans… or sort of hums… and the music behind him sounds like a warm up. There he is in person, there he is on the screen, looking out at us with dead eyes, pointing. Like a scene that was cut out of the Shining.”

“Just. Creepy. As. Fuck.”

Then the moaning and the sort of cacophony of instruments stops and we all applaud, as if this twerp has been, ya know, SINGING or something!

Then he does begin singing. Or, more to the point, he begins earnestly lip syncing. He is moving around the stage and he seems to have a few signature stances.

Here is Bieber walking with “purpose” towards us.

Here he is reaching to the heavens. Here he is pointing at people in the crowd. Here he is shuffling his feet in front of his dance troupe like a drunk old man at his granddaughter’s wedding reception.

“We watch him pick up a bottle of water and drink. He sits on a riser, drinks more water, watches us, watches the dancers, rambles around a bit more, does a few dance moves, then moseys away as if he is sort of the MC at the Loyal Order of the Moose Lodge Prize Giving Ceremony”

“He cannot really dance. The dancers have clearly been told to dance as if he is not there. He has one number with a woman whom he flips over and who lays her leg on his neck… he supports her, he looks at her as if she is serving him a beer he didn’t order; but he is careful to keep his elbows in as he supports her. He’s obviously been told not to hurt this woman by messing up his support stance.”

He has a signature movement. He hunches his shoulders and bends his knees as if he is defending the home team’s basket and his palms seem to graze his crotch. He does this every few minutes, as if he is adjusting a jock strap that’s too tight. It looks sort of molester-ish.

The dancers also know that Justin gets tired easily. After forty minutes he keeps turning his back to the crowd and walking to the backstage, and they immediately fill in, block him so he can stand there, meditatively looking at them and at the crowd, as if he is thinking of buying us.

Justin does not sweat.

“The band is hidden away in an upper riser. The camera at one point pans to them. They seem to be playing music, they seem skilled, but they are all but invisible to the naked eye. Most of the music we hear is clearly recorded anyway.”

“At one point in the proceedings Justin is handed a guitar. He plunks at the strings, he sings a little ditty, finally. People encourage him to keep singing, but then he drops the guitar and goes back to his lip syncing.”

Turns out of the 21 numbers he played he sang ONLY FOUR. We each paid enough to buy a small pony to hear this kid sing FOUR SONGS.

He doesn’t change costumes. He gives us one encore and then he is gone, back to the One and Only and his Playstation.

Later I will venture that perhaps Bieber might have sung us a few more songs. Like, maybe just ten. Or fifteen. The kid is chewing gum up there.

I’m told by my own kids that there is NO WAY he can dance and sing at the same time, so of course he has to lip sync!

“And I hear Micheal Jackson roll in his grave. Elvis groans from the Great Toilet in the sky.”

“Then I am told that there is NO WAY Justin could sing EVERY SONG because he is on a massively awesome world tour and he would fry his vocal chords if he actually sang!”

Duh, dad!

Which is bullshit. In 2017 Justin has 48 shows lined up. Led Zeppelin did 88 shows in 1970, traveling in shitty 1970s airplanes and limos with no wi-fi across America twice, then through the UK, through Scandinavia and Europe.

“Robert Plant howled into that microphone like a flasher burning in hell for 88 smoke filled shows with a hungover band and probably a bad case of the clap. Real instruments were played. There was no such thing as lip syncing and the opening acts actually played music.”

Justin Bieber? Motherfucker didn’t even have the good sense to trash a hotel room.

Nary one TV was thrown out a window.

Rock is dead and it’s Justin’s fault.

 


Sources: Facebook
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Tyler Vivier
Tyler Leigh Vivier is a writer for Good Things Guy. Her passion is to spread good news across South Africa with a big focus on environmental issues, animal welfare and social upliftment. Outside of Good Things Guy, she is an avid reader and lover of tea.

19 Comments

  1. Avatar

    Casey

    May 22, 2017 at 11:54 am

    Argh you JB haters, gotta love you.
    Oh, the venue was Cape Town stadium and not Greenpoint – JB fans would fill Greenpoint stadium in no time #butithankyou #byyyyye

    • Avatar

      Stephen

      May 22, 2017 at 1:22 pm

      Stadium in Greenpoint. That’s what he wrote. And that’s correct. It is Greenpoint. And it is a Stadium.
      Interestingly enough (well maybe not to you!) it used to be the Greenpoint Stadium.

  2. Avatar

    Zandri

    May 22, 2017 at 12:41 pm

    Haha so glad I didn’t go. But rock isn’t dead yet – thanks to Kaleo. Check them out.

    • Avatar

      Allan

      May 22, 2017 at 3:02 pm

      Love Kaleo! (And love this article!)

  3. Avatar

    Pieter

    May 22, 2017 at 3:07 pm

    This Ron guy is a idiot.he clearly said he is not a fan.then why comment.justin said early in 2016 he stopped meet and greet.he did not need to put all this effort into making the concert and the artist bad.why didnt he seport his daughter in what she loves.

  4. Avatar

    Anyanca

    May 22, 2017 at 6:48 pm

    I lovee justin biber and the show in JHB was awesome…there was no lip syncing..nothing it was amazing….he performed in the rain ……he had to change his clothes 3 times but he kept on going…he danced and gave it his all….loved it…it actually brought a tear to my eye …hes an insparation….and a rolemodel….justin the show changed my life and i loveee you ….

  5. Avatar

    MAD

    May 22, 2017 at 10:14 pm

    Excellently, cleverly, entertainingly written by Ron Irwin! I don’t care much for The Biebs (pretentious little twat!), but I LOVED the review! I’m going to use it in my English Language class, as an example of a beautifully written subjective (and probably biased) piece of writing….

  6. Avatar

    Music Lover

    May 22, 2017 at 11:13 pm

    The reviewer time travelled from the 80’s into the future .. clearly he is a protective dad who doesn’t get why his daughter has a ‘crush’ on that Beiber dude…before he bores us with his memories from yesteryear can he check into an old people’s home already
    …he must stay in his lane .what was an old and negative man like him doing there in the first place..

  7. Avatar

    Leon

    May 23, 2017 at 9:03 am

    This Dad is as out of touch with reality, as my parents were when I took to punk and ska. My parents were terrified that we were no longer using accordions and violins. This groaning Old man sounds like a typical farmer that would rather be out having a bbq listening to Nickelback or something as rubbed out. I know Sketchybongo and the wolfpack personally, they are extremely talented, they just use different tools to create music with. Fans and old farts did not arrive at the concert on horseback and carriages, they arrived in cars and busses or mini taxis.Get with the times Daddio or send smoke signals when you want to use your smartphone to call. I’m 57, been there done it.

  8. Avatar

    Babyhorse

    May 23, 2017 at 9:07 am

    Firstly I’d like to say the biebs has got talent and skill.in saying that I honestly do think he is still kak.he has sold out to the man.you can’t be a superstar and not perform a true concert.nobody wants to pay a small fortune to watch some entitled zombie lip sync.not cool at all.and of course he can be compared to other musicians.he is a musician after all

  9. Avatar

    Caitlin

    May 23, 2017 at 6:50 pm

    where u at the concert cause I was at the Cape Town one and he for sure was not lip syncing

  10. Avatar

    Anonymousgirl

    May 23, 2017 at 6:59 pm

    I think that this man who made the original statement about Justin Bieber, actually has no room to talk. FYI justin Bieber doesn’t need old fan men like you. I was at the concert in Cape Town and I enjoyed every single minute of it he knows how to perform and put on a show. His choice of clothes wasn’t the best but it’s the new American style. I want to see you get up on stage and try and perform a dance routine like he did while signing any person is going to sound crappy, even the king of pop Micheal Jackson lip synced when he did dance moves. Just Bieber caters for the young. Not for fathers of children. Imagine he was your kid and he was trying to make a successful living out of his talent and people were saying negative stuff like this? Think twice? And FYI sketchy Bongo is amazing u clearly don’t know them it’s a South African group kyle Deutsch is a South African artist. And we in South Africa right ? Why not have a South African band and south people like kyle and shekanah open for a international star? You clearly know nothing about music.

  11. Avatar

    WLMIV

    May 24, 2017 at 3:18 am

    From what I understand after reading the article is that the author is not a Belieber.

    Word on the street is that the Biebs is going to call him out.

    The Daily Mail placed a story today of the Jay Bee pumping it up at a NYC boxing gym.

    It’s on like Donkey Kong. The biggest fight since Ali and Foreman in Zaire. The Jailbeebs vs. Grumpy Dad.

    It will be the Biebs Knees!

    • Avatar

      Sechaba

      May 24, 2017 at 1:59 pm

      Hahahaha….”biebs knees”….love that

  12. Avatar

    Melissa

    May 24, 2017 at 5:36 am

    You just made my day Mr Irwin.My opinion is that people pay a shit load of money to watch a shitty performance. Why not compare him, he claims to be a musical artist well dude then you gotta bring a lot more to the table!! You want to hear real music listen to Blue October,Guns n Roses, even Elvis put up a fucking performance people still speak of years after he passed.I will not even buy a cd of “THE BIEBS” never mind paying to see a concert equivalent to a car payment.That is not music.

  13. Avatar

    Danie

    May 24, 2017 at 6:18 pm

    Bruce Springsteen stayed on stage for 3 full hours every night and sang 30 odd self composed songs every night, not leaving the stage once …. now that is music, that is an artist, one worthwhile spending money on to buy a ticket ….. at 60+ he still does it….. since the 1970’s as a matter of fact and will be till he is needed for the big band in the sky …. and now people say watching a DJ on stage and a lip syncher later on is music …. sad to say …. music had died… sorry, forgot to mention… The BOSS still fills any stadium…. just wondering for how many years this young individual will still be able to…

    • Avatar

      Louise

      May 25, 2017 at 9:18 am

      I hope not much longer. Pity he didn’t try to perform in Manchester. Self entitled little pratt!

      • Avatar

        Lolly

        May 26, 2017 at 8:42 am

        Oooh that’s waaaaaay too soon.

  14. Avatar

    Lolly

    May 26, 2017 at 8:39 am

    I am the proudest mother of two teenage sons and a preteen daughter. They enjoy Fugazi, All Them Witches, Prince, and Queens of the Stone Age, to mention a handful of (actual) musicians. I suppose it’s because what we palm of as “music” today makes them want to collectively vomit in their own mouths. 😉 The point I’m making is that a lot of people assume (incorrectly) that what one is repeatedly exposed to is actually good- if a song is played often enough and gets stuck in your head, well, then it MUST be amazing! Especially if it’s part of our “international 10 per cent” on the airwaves, then you know you MUST be listening to something EXCEPTIONAL if it’s made it onto the SABC, trololol…It’s about knowing the difference between what is good and what is just another earworm, I suppose.

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