Gummy Bears
Photo Credit: Pexels

Laughter is in short supplies these days so these reviews of sugar-free gummy bears are just what is needed to get you laughing out loud again.

 

Global (23 July 2020) – The world is quite a tough place to live in at the moment. Everyone is angry, devastated, frustrated, scared, stressed and so many other emotions piled on top so we thought we would give the best laugh of your day! And we mean it!

Think tears flooding, belly aching, the best laugh of your life! This is going to make your day and probably the rest of your week too!

We just can’t get enough!

It all starts with a bag of bulk sugar-free gummy bears.

Apparently this brand of sugar-free gummy bears causes quite the emergency a day after eating them. The reviews about people’s experiences with them are the best part! There are both positives and negatives to this product and it is hilarious!

Take a read below of some of our favourites but there are so many more which you can read here. These are no longer available for purchase, thankfully!

“35 years old and I had to reset the clock for the “how long since you’ve last crapped your pants” countdown”

One of our beloved physicians brought a bag of gummy bears to work to share with the staff one night shift. Not realizing they were the famous dreaded sugar-free gummies, multiple staff, throughout the shift grabbed a handful of gummies while passing by and each have their own near-miss stories but this is mine…

The next morning I have to run an errand about and hour and a half from my house. On the drive home down a curvy backcountry road my stomach suddenly begins to cramp and I feel the immediate urge to empty my bowels. Frantic, as I realize I’m not going to make it home I start searching for a place to pull over. The end of a gated logging road perhaps? I’m speeding along, arching my back, practising lamas breathing techniques, anything to stall the inevitable. I pass the first turnoff that has a sheriffs car parked at the end and keep searching with sweat pouring down my forehead and bubbling noises in my guts that drown out the heavy metal on the stereo. Finally! I spot the end of a brushy trail and whip my truck sideways, thrusting the driver’s side door open and leaping from the seat to scurry around to the other side.

I turn around with fingers in waistband about to drop trow and look up to my horror realizing it is indeed the end of a driveway and the folks outside are staring down toward me probably wondering what this crazed individual is about to do. For several moments I seriously considered just completing the task and running away but couldn’t imagine my parents seeing the cell phone video of myself on social media later in the day. I scurried back around the truck and halfway there my ability to hold back the hot lava flow of liquid stool from making a hasty exit out of my spasming rectum was lost and I crapped my pants right there on the side of the road standing next to my truck. My bowels cramped up and expelled every drop of liquid from my body. At that point, I’m now standing there with leggings full of hot liquid stool running into my shoes and debating on what the next best course of action should be. Of course, I have no extra clothes or any towels in my truck. What do I do? Do I call someone? Do I drive home the remaining 20 minutes? After a few moments of self-reflection, I decided to strip off my shirts and lay them on the seat of my truck and get inside. It was a rather uncomfortable drive home with the windows all down and skin burning on the backs of my legs and buttocks. It was one of the longest 20 minute periods of time I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. I alternated between crying and laughing at the situation and checking the speedometer like a paranoid drunk thinking I can’t possibly get pulled over right now because what would I say? Yes, officer, I crapped my pants. That’s what that smell is. Tears streaming down my face. I finally arrive home, screeching to a halt in the driveway in front of the open automatic garage door I triggered as I was drifting the curve onto my road. Holding the bottoms of my pant legs closed tight I awkwardly stagger into my house and immediately into the shower fully clothed.

Fast forward 3 weeks and I’m at work hearing about the other incidents and the light bulb clicks on…

35 years old and I had to reset the clock for the “how long since you’ve last crapped your pants” countdown…

Thanks, Dr Hanson

Lesson learned…….make sure the gummy bears are not the sugar-free version

A delicious treat that should be enjoyed only after the following preparations have been made

A delicious treat that should be enjoyed only after the following preparations have been made:

  1. Make sure it’s Friday and cancel all weekend plans, for good measure go ahead and call in for Monday.
  2. Call the city and make sure your water bill is paid in full.
  3. Visit your local hardware store and purchase a sink attachment for your garden hose as toilet paper will quickly become too painful to bear.
  4. Give advanced notice to family members, roommates and neighbours unless you’re keen on trying to give birth to a crushed watermelon while convincing your local swat team that both the screaming and demonic noises are from you and a dynamic entry would only bring about more needless suffering.
  5. Redo your restroom in motivational pictures, ones with slogans like “courage is fear hanging on one minute longer”, “the only easy day was yesterday” etc, I also advise posting up the suicide prevention hotline number or having a dedicated friend or another support group to walk you through the low times.

Lastly, I must strongly urge you to consider why you are thinking of buying this product, is it a sense of deep self-loathing? A reckless sense of adventure? Are you researching dysentery? Perhaps you are the drill sergeant of some extreme commando unit seeking to break down the enemies will to fight by airdropping these into their midst. If you are just curious then let me say oh fellow human, beware for this life is dangerous enough, next time I want a thrill I’ll skydive without a parachute, that way at least I’ll have a chance.

Perfect for Social Distancing

My friend hasn’t been practising social distancing during the pandemic, so I bought him a bag of these gummies for his birthday. It’s now been ten days since he left the house out of fear of pooping himself again. I’m not going to say Haribo SUGAR-FREE Classic Gummy Bears are the cure for the coronavirus, but it certainly helps slow down the spread.


Sources: Amazon
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Tyler Leigh Vivier
About the Author

Tyler Leigh Vivier is a writer for Good Things Guy.

Her passion is to spread good news across South Africa with a big focus on environmental issues, animal welfare and social upliftment. Outside of Good Things Guy, she is an avid reader and lover of tea.

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