Beauty truths of the burbs during lockdown - a funny side to keeping it all together!
Photo Cred: Comedy Central

The beauty truths of the burbs during lockdown… another hilarious post written by Kim Nicola Stephens is going viral!

 

South Africa (29 April 2020) – Kim Nicola Stephens is fast becoming our favourite author during South Africa’s COVID-19 lockdown… and she has just served up another gem!

She has given us the top 10 middle-class quarantine categories, a hilarious depiction of how confusing level 4 actually is and now the talented writer is unpacking the beauty truths of the burbs during lockdown!

South Africans have a way of getting through the toughest times, usually with a side dish of humour, and these quarantine categories might just be the funniest thing you will read today!

Kim has permitted us to post the piece on Good Things Guy, and we hope you enjoy the brilliant humour.

Beauty truths of the burbs during lockdown

Ok girls. Time to get real… said Covid-19 and my fuck, so we did. Can we talk about the Lockdown Beauty Truths of the Burbs, please? Because, one of my good mates nearly waxed her lip off in the kitchen yesterday, and I’m not referring to any of her facial features! Salons and hairdressers are in LEVEL ONE, by which time all our naturally beautiful children will have matriculated with properly dodgy home-schooled-by-drunk-hairy-mama certificates.

By now, the grey is on show, the platinum blonde look is history, extensions have ceased to please, and YouTube tutorials for optimal brow shaping are getting more love than reruns of Friends. The only Instagram posts we share are #ThrowBackThursdays, and they are heavily weighted in favour of the good hair days of yesterday. To box dye, or not to box dye? Do we accept the silver streaks, or risk some horrific orange mop outcome?

I know why Cyril put his mask over his eyes ladies… fucking botox fade! Its all over, the game is up. There aren’t enough filters.

Go slowly, girls. All the wrong moves could result in undesired outcomes that far outlive lockdown. Flinging a lip across the kitchen is one such risk. Over plucking of a brow is bad in your 40s or beyond; they do not grow back, and you’ll come out of this thing looking permanently surprised. I mean, more surprised than we already feel about every fucking thing.

I’m also going to warn you that box dye colour matching is not as easy as reading a label. The scary goth look might help your homeschooling methodology, though.

“Do your maths NOW, or I’ll summon the demons of my ancestors SO HELP ME G*D!”

Just add some dark, smudged eye make up. Oh… you already did that… the “Styled by Pillow” look. Massive trend.

Own up… who has cut their own hair and now you’re wearing headscarves AND facemasks to the shop? I see through the little fashion trend claim there, Karen. Your hairdresser is going to klap you when he sees you in March 2026.

As for all my trendy mates who normally dress so well that they make me want to burn my clothing. .. what’s in fashion now, bitches? No one knows, right? Its basically whatever is clean and dry, and can be worn straight from the pile on the dining room table. Remember that January Cosmo article that said “puffed sleeves and polka dots” for 2020? Ja, no, sorry. We just got slapped with a hot taste of 90s-grunge-meets-hairy-seventies-hippie. How’s that flannel shirt looking? Hot?

Who else is looking at their lovely lacy bra and knickers sets, and thinking the money would have been better spent on a few gallons of gin? Especially if your man is in another city and you might only see each other next Easter when level 2 travel kicks in. But you need your salon and hairdresser to open before you hop on a plane, so who was responsible for that lack of foresight? Is the professional wax being peddled on Takealot better than the lip-ripping microwave pot from Dischem? Asking for a friend…

“Just shave your head,” said someone. Was she drinking pineapple mampoer? We weren’t all blessed with facial features like Rihanna or that O’Connor chick from the 90s.

She needs a remix though.

It’s been eleventy seven hours and fifteen thousand days.
Since you took our lives away.
I stay in every night and sleep all day.
Since you took our lives away…

How’s that gellish growing out? Ha ha ha ha. I’m not big on painted nails, predominantly because I run a lot and seldom have 10 toenails at once. I stopped biting my fingernails when they told us not to touch our faces though, so any home hacks for mani / pedis most welcome. I know there’s a rule about not getting beach sand on your toes within 24 hours of a pedi. That’s not much of a fucking problem now is it?

I’m worried about a lot of businesses and non-essential services going bang at the moment, although I’m not advocating for any kind of jailbreak. But have you spared a thought for the lipstick industry?!? Total win for the bunnies in test labs, but lipstick definitely won’t be a thing for many masked years ahead.

Also, I’m sorry about the botox, girls. It’s pretty obvious above our masks. Someone suggested yoga for facelift effects, but they are probably 22 and can pull off shaved hair. Fuck them.

Just, go slowly. Embrace some fluff, and don’t forget to trim what cannot, safely, be waxed. Stay strong; we’ve got this.

Words by me, Kim Stephens. Stop sharing my sweary words without my name attached. Fuckit.


Sources: Kim Nicola Stephens | Beauty truths of the burbs during lockdown
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Recognised as one of the Mail and Guardian’s Top 200 Young South African’s as well as a Primedia LeadSA Hero, Brent is a change maker, thought leader, radio host, foodie, vlogger, writer and all round good guy.

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