Because suddenly everyone on your community WhatsApp group is an expert on nearly everything.
South Africa (3 May 2020) – Kim Nicola Stephens is fast becoming our favourite author during South Africa’s COVID-19 lockdown… and she has just served up another gem!
She has given us the top 10 middle-class quarantine categories, a hilarious depiction of how confusing level 4 actually is, the beauty truths of the burbs during the lockdown, the runners versus smokers debacle and now she weighs in (hilariously) about how everyone in South Africa has suddenly become an expert on nearly everything.
South Africans have a way of getting through the toughest times, usually with a side dish of humour, and these quarantine categories might just be the funniest thing you will read today!
Kim has permitted us to post the piece on Good Things Guy, and we hope you enjoy the brilliant humour.
The funny side of COVID-19 – how everyone has suddenly become an expert on everything!
Schools, universities and colleges can now CLOSE. They have been rendered obsolete by a new wave of education standards by which EVERYONE IS QUALIFIED. Pretty fucking amazing, but basically what happened was COVID-19 swept in as the 2020 upgrade of Oprah and handed out certificates and degrees to EVERYONE.
YOU a are a political scientist, YOU have a specialist medical degree, hey there, Karen, YOU are now a fully qualified macro-economist with the equivalent of 24 years experience in third world economies and poverty. Bloody hell, Simon, YOU have barely learned to wipe your own arse but you sure as shit know all there is to know about the transference of micro-particles of snot and gob, so YOU now have a master’s degree in infectious diseases. Fred, all that RESEARCH you have done in the realm of COVID-19 origin and its undeniable agenda of global communism has won you a degree in anthropology AND international relations – a double whammy, well done. Susan, check under your chair and you’ll find… all that school curriculum criticism has earned you a degree in primary education but BUMMER because no one needs teachers any more!
No one needs lecturers, and no one needs teachers, and we can turn all the unused schools and universities into mass housing which is great because we will fucking need it, right? I don’t know, ask Karen.
And what joy this brings to each (now sober) parent currently failing dismally at their home-schooling job. You can let the little beasts run feral because they don’t need no education! They can just pick a career and gooi. Not a brick in the wall.
And we can bring this down a level to slightly less fancy qualifications, too. Your pineapple beer didn’t kill anyone, Connor, so YOU win the right to add Master Brewer to your gmail signature. Mary, you diffused the family fall-out on Zoom the other night, so YOU are now a counsellor. Jacobus is taking half-decent nudes for Gizelle in Klerksdorp (and Marlene in Limpopo… and his Ouma that one time but that was an accident) so HE can add pro-photographer to his Insta bio. Everyone is a baker now so don’t fucking try your luck there, but Seth is killing it in the hydroponics trade from his digs in Obs, so HE is now a farmer.
And you thought COVID-19 was a bad thing? Ha, check these blessings.
Anyway, this is just one more expert opinion. Words by me, Dr Kim Stephens PhD Fake Psych, BSC Comedic Crap etc.