I forgive him because he was brought up in a patriarchal, homophonic, racist regime under Apartheid where hatred was institutionalised in our education and legal system.
South Africa (11 November 2022) – This incredibly powerful open letter from a daughter to her father is giving South Africans all the feels.
The letter was posted to “The Village” earlier today, a Facebook group that calls itself “the most supportive, non-judgmental and harmonious online community of parents of tweens, teens and young adults.”
The post has been welcomed with kind words and support for the anonymous author, as well as “Villagers” sharing their own accounts of growing up with parents who have different views.
Vanessa Raphaely and Kim Penstone from The Village asked the author for permission to reshare onto Good Things Guy.
“Such a brave, wise, mature young adult in what must be such a tough emotional place.”
Read the full open letter below.
Why I love and forgive my homophobic father
I couldn’t have been blessed with a better father. He has supported my studies, my dreams, built my confidence and made me believe that I can achieve anything I want in life. And so far, I have done just that. However, as loving, generous and supportive as he is, he is also homophobic, transphobic, traditional, conservative, religious and patriarchal.
He is the leader of the family, holds all the power, and creates the emotional tone of the entire home with the rest of my family members fearing going against him, as he is our family leader.
My family also has a clear tribal “group think” mentality which is an offshoot of his outdated beliefs. They are all required to commit to his narrative and deny realities that do not suit him.
Despite such a family context, last week, I built up the intense courage to tell my father that I am in a relationship with a woman. I prepared sincere and thoughtful notes and after 26 years of life, I was finally strong enough to face this burden.
I sat him down, with my leg shaking, I started with my opening line. “Dad, you are not going to like what I have to say.”
And that’s as far as I got before I was interrupted.
He stated that he does not want to know what was coming next. That he knows it could only be one of three things. And that whatever those three things are, he will never accept it. With an emphasis on “never”. He stated that in life we have two paths, the good and the bad and that at any point we can choose the good path. I was like a deer in headlights and I left the conversation at that.
We then left the room.
I pondered on what could the other two items possibly be.
It became clear that it could only be:
- I bring a partner home that is the ‘wrong’ gender,
- The ‘wrong’ colour or that,
- A partner who believes in the ‘wrong’ religion.
When I share this story people have asked me, am I sad, and I upset, and if I’m okay.
But coming out, or at least trying to, was not about me at all. But about him and his inability to hear and accept something so difficult. To live with an underlying hatred for “the gays” and then for your daughter to want to bring home a women, can feel as the ultimate betrayal.
Surprisingly, I forgive him for his views.
He has given me everything I ever wanted in life. An education, a small loan to start my business, love, time, endless holidays, life advice and endless support. And I think that it is in his leadership as a father, that I am strong, confident, consistent, driven and accept myself as I am.
I forgive him because he was brought up in a patriarchal, homophonic, racist regime under Apartheid where hatred was institutionalised in our education and legal system.
I forgive him because he had a difficult childhood with the loss of his father at a young age and was brought up in a society that did not believe in therapists. A society that believed men cannot be emotional and that emotions are a sign of weakness. This means, that on a psychological level he cannot communicate or work through his emotions in a constructive and healthy way.
I forgive him because he did not have the privilege and opportunity that he so generously gave to me, to get educated and learn about the ills that plague our society.
I forgive him because the god he believes in, has love that is conditional.
I forgive him because he is human and was indoctrinated to believe things that today, are not as prominent.
In that room, when I was going to share with him my deepest darkest secret, I believe that I did not need his approval or forgiveness, but he needed mine.
by 