Showing support for our loved ones on their mental health journeys is one of the most important parts, and yet, it can also be the most complex. How do we do our best? Here are a few supporter starter pack tips:
Global (15 October 2023) — One of the most important elements of any mental health journey is support. Although it seems like a glaringly obvious piece of the puzzle, it also happens to be one of the most complicated; especially when we show support for our loved ones in a way that may seem right to us, but might not be the best fit for them.
Now what?
While the first step in showing up for someone struggling with their mental health is exactly that—showing up, it also doesn’t end there. At the same time, it’s important to understand the parameters of your role in someone else’s healing, growing and understanding when it comes to their inner workings, as well as knowing what the limits are, or have to be, in your role.
Your Starter Guide for Showing Up for Someone Struggling with Their Mental Health
1. Understand the Support Assignment
No one’s mental health journey looks the same. And, even two people who may have very similar challenges on paper won’t experience these challenges in the same way.
Think of it as everyone having their own unique home. Yes, the colour palettes in different homes may be the same, but the furniture is different. Our mental homes follow a similar logic because our life experiences, behavioural patterns and inherent personalities are all unique.
Because of this, the way one person experiences something like GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) or their Neurodivergence will be unique to them; meaning there is no blueprint model to support.
Understanding the assignment when it comes to showing support means stepping out of two mindsets: the first being that people facing the same struggles will handle them the same way and respond to the same support structures, and the second being our own perceptions of their experiences.
When we show support, we are inclined to show up in the way we would want our loved ones to show up for us. We try to make things relatable, especially if we don’t understand them. But, just as it is with whether you prefer words of encouragement or actions, putting effort into support means understanding what support looks like to them, not to you.
Asking questions like ‘What does support look like to you?’ or ‘What do you need right now?’ are really helpful places to start in figuring out how to be as helpful as possible.
2. Learn as Much as You Can About What This Reality Looks Like to Your Loved Ones
To be a top-tier support system, you need to understand the reality of the other person. ‘Reality’ is the key word here, because when you understand that although something might not make sense to you, to them the experience is all too real, even if the thought, fear, stress or other complexities might not be.
You might not understand why someone with ADHD or on the Autism spectrum is getting incredibly overwhelmed by sensory overload. To you, it may just be a light or a sound that you can tolerate. But their reality right there and then is one of distress, and it is from this place that stepping out of your frame of reference becomes all-important. Very rarely can you ‘logic’ people out of their realities.
Responding to this can be as simple as making this mental note: I may not understand, but the point is not to push my reality onto them but to relieve this experience however I can.
If they know what their specific challenges are, ask them about their reality of experiencing these. Researching, learning and becoming a student of support all go the mile, and when coupled with specific questions and points of understanding from the person you are showing up for, many miles can be conquered.
3. Be Comfortable with the Fact that the Mental Health Road is Winding
It would be wonderful if mental health was a linear journey.
We identify the problem, we show support in the way the person most needs it and then everything is solved forever.
If life were a Disney movie, this would be the idealic roadmap. But in our human world underpinned by complicated mental mechanisms, the map has a lot of winds and bends. Ups and downs. Victories and pitfalls, some right after the other.
The important thing to remember as a support structure is that you shouldn’t get discouraged when the hard days come knocking; even if you feel as though you’ve given everything you could in hoping these days would stay away for good.
What’s more important is to know that you are strapping in to come along for the ride and to be there when the road takes a turn to take the wheel, not to be the end-all solution. Shifting the focus from ‘I must solve this’ to ‘I can’t solve this but I can make it easier’, makes you more equipped to be a force of help, and will prevent guilt from either you or the person struggling.
4. Build the Gift of Coping Tools
Helping someone gain their independence and agency over their mental health often means empowering them with coping tools.
Agency matters very much on a mental health journey because it helps someone else re-establish trust in their own ability to show up for themselves on what is a path that only they fully understand.
If you’ve found that a sense of dependency has emerged, it’s time to equip your loved ones with more than a listening ear or words of affirmation.
Building the toolbox means learning what healthy methods have worked for them before, and instead of unpacking the tools on their behalf, you’ll encourage them to do it if they can. If you know a certain activity usually helps, encourage them to do it. If you understand that there’s something they haven’t done that’s causing them immense anxiety, encourage them to take action on it. The little things add up for the good or the worse, but the sustainable supporter knows that sometimes the best kinds of help happen when you remind someone of their own power to make situations easier.
5. Know When It’s Time to Pass on Part of the Baton to a Professional
As much as we might want to be as helpful as possible, there can be points where the best thing you can do is encourage professional help in the kindest way.
There are many parts of any psychological battle that can’t be healed or relieved through the will to help alone.
This doesn’t mean that support is no longer your role. It simply means that there are certain parts of the process that you can’t provide help with because you are not an expert, and if you were to take on all the responsibility, you would be doing your loved ones a disservice as they wouldn’t get the best care possible.
And, just like the tools, there is great power in equipping someone with as much knowledge of their own minds as possible.
Drop them off, remind them to check in with their therapist, and most importantly, remind them of the powerful step they’ve taken in doing this.
Show up, keep showing up, and show up for yourself too. Because you can’t put the life mask on someone else until yours is secure.