Middle-Class South Africa can now be divided loosely into the following ten quarantine categories.
South Africa (16 April 2020) – Kim Nicola Stephens has written a hilarious piece on how Middle-Class South Africans can now be divided “loosely” into the following ten quarantine categories.
South Africans have a way of getting through the toughest times, usually with a side dish of humour, and these quarantine categories might just be the funniest thing you will read today!
The incredible writer has given us permission to post the piece on Good Things Guy, and we hope you enjoy the brilliant humour.
Well, there we were. Are. Were. Here goes…
Middle-Class South Africa can now be divided loosely into the following 10 quarantine categories:
1. Raw Egg Eaters…
Up for any of the many, many online challenges they risk salmonella poisoning for a laugh, and probably went for the egg-eating option because they had already pulled a poep string in a different challenge, doing their first set of 100 push-ups since their glory days of 4th team volleyball.
They are quite fun to follow, as long as they don’t eat any more raw stuff. They need to remember what kicked off this shit storm, to begin with.
They are blessed, busy and beyond cute. Their daily online musings escalated quickly from #chooselife to #lockdownloving. They still do their makeup every day; they want to teach you to meditate because they just learned how they post all the free online podcasts, yoga lessons, live music and home school tricks ever, ever created. There is a banana bread situation in their kitchen.
They know where to buy Dermalogica illegally, but they won’t share, and they just reported their neighbour for spending too long taking their bin out.
They need to calm the f*ck down.
3. The Doomers
No matter what statistic you share with this lot, they are going to tell you how bad it really is. When you share the relatively low death rate in SA, they tell you we aren’t testing enough people. When you confirm that our ICU units are currently empty, they tell you we aren’t testing in the right places. When you look at our flattening curve they tell you by September we will all be in makeshift hospitals because the shebeens kept trading and taxis remained on the roads.
The same crew is signing a petition to allow for daily exercise, so its best to stay away from the Doomers as we all hang on to our rapidly diminishing sanity.
4. Conspiracy Theorists
I refuse to write about any of them. They need to f*ck off.
5. General Experts
Yes, she went from Essential Oils bath bomb trader to epidemiologist overnight, folks.
She knows when to wear a mask, how to wear a mask, and could 3D print a medical-grade face shield if she just had the right equipment. She has DONE HER RESEARCH and spoken to her friend who is a medical expert (he is a f*cking chiropractor), so she knows. She is never, ever going to be willing to admit that we are all just winging it. She knows how to disinfect veggies and home school appropriately. She also has a total handle on the lockdown laws as they unfold because her friend, who is a legal expert (he works in the f*cking deeds office) has informed her, last week already.
She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know, so give her more than a 2m gap. She needs a nap.
6. Inequality Experts
Had to give this one its own category. It excludes the many doing ACTUAL good right now.
This guy has had his head up his own arse for decades. Flitting about in a career far, far removed from the daily suffering of the majority of South Africans, Mr Equality Hero has just stormed the gates of political journalism to bring you the truth about corruption, police brutality and poverty in a time of COVID-19. He has never, ever been bothered by the grossly unequal society we live in prior. The daily murders on the Cape Flats, the domestic violence in our townships. But he’s a hero now, and all the journalists who have told these stories daily, putting their lives at risk for decades, they are nothing. He’s telling all of the middle class to do more, now, act fast. Much like every single one of us, he doesn’t know what that actually means. Other than doing every possible thing to keep paying the salaries of every staff member in your employ, and asking your people if they need food.
Start with your own people, that’s what Real Heroes do. He needs a beer. He can ask a shebeen owner next time he ventures into a township.
No disrespect to the real deal and I feel your fear because you might have some competition when lockdown lifts…but you’re my favourite. The memes, your flopped banana bread, your ridiculous jokes in the face of the very worst… South Africans can laugh. And as I was rightly put in my place about a week ago, comedy might be all we have to hang on to. I mean, I can’t meditate or bake bread or invent the COVID-19 vaccine, so I might as well laugh.
Comedians, keep it coming. Throw your worst at us. We’re ready.
8. Exercise Fanatics
Post lockdown, every physio, lyno and chiro will be booming! Peeps be doing mad things in their yards, inside their apartments, on their stoeps. Strava is a mess of scribbles worse than the collection of art from your firstborn’s playschool years, lurking in a drawer somewhere.
Coffee tables are breaking under box jumps; lawns will never grow back. It’s f*cking hilarious, do not stop!
9. Whatsapp & Facebook Group Admins
These are the real heroes of COVID-19. Do you know how much kak they are managing EVERY SINGLE DAY?
Fake news, repeat memes, those stupid conspiracy theories and everyone is having a fight! Admins are like “Back in your corner, Roger! Saw that one already, Karen! Fake news proven last week, Gertrude! Wrong group, Howard, we don’t need your dick pic.!” Howard has been removed from the group.
Shame, send them some chocolates via the Checkers60 app. They are tired.
10. The Philosophers…
They flood our timelines with slideshows, quotes and blatant assumptions that the world will be better when this ends.
We will lose our need for money, greed will evaporate, war will end, and everyone will hold hands walking down our squeaky clean streets singing kumbaya… Hello? You either have a fat trust fund or went into lockdown with a fat stash of weed!
Come hold my hand and sing kumbaya if you like, but share your trust fund AND your weed you deluded hippie! They need to get a f*cking grip.
Words by me. Kim Stephens. I’m a little of all of the above. Except for the conspiracy theorists. They really must f*ck off.